Ache

I don't really know how to start this post.

I just watched this video of Francis Chan sharing a sermon on how we lie to ourselves and it really spoke to me. I've admitted before that I am an incredibly proud and selfish person and that's something I continue to work on... with God's help.

But this made me wonder if maybe I'm coming before Him with the wrong attitude. When I pray to Him, I'm always asking for Him to deliver me from my own sins rather than asking Him to grant me the ability to flee from my sin myself. The Bible tells us that God grants us a spirit of power.

But am I utilizing that power?

I don't think so. I expect Him to solve my problems for me.

The past few days I've been pretty distracted with a really big decision we're about to make. And it's taken me completely away from my fellowship with God. I've been pushing Him so far to the side that I haven't really consulted with Him, I've just been weighing the options myself. Granted, I think He gave me the desire to make this decision, but I have taken it upon myself to decide, rather than seeking Him for council.

My.Soul.Aches.

for God.

for truth.

for wisdom.

for movement.

for guidance.

for the Word.

But I feel dry. Thirsty. Lacking.

What do I need to do to move into God's will? What am I missing? Where am I not getting it? What am I holding on to or holding back that keeps me from knowing Him more deeply?

I am at the point where I've put it off so long that I don't even know how to hear Him speak. How to be still. And I am impatient with myself for that. I am wrestless.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

Philippians 3:8-11

That is where I want to be. God, that is where I want to be. Give me the power to go there.

Dealt With

God is dealing with me.

You know, I'm at this place where I want to serve, I want to do BIG things, make a difference. But my circumstances don't really allow for me to run off on my own and become a missionary in another country. So I find it's hard for me to feel... important. Isn't that the most rediculous thing you've ever heard?

Here I am with a family... ah, yes, that family... how could I forget that where I am placed is exactly where God wants me to be? How selfish I must be. A tree can't grow at all if its roots aren't planted deep in rich soil.

Duh.

So after looking out into the world in such wonder, God draws me straight back into my own living room, where there is a massive amount of work to be done. Probably the most important work in the world.

And I have neglected my job.

God is dealing with me.

Praying for God to show me my significance today, it all just crashed into my head at once. "Look at how you have been neglecting your family, yourself."

Yes, it stings. It stings even more that I'm sitting here typing about it with the possibility that others will read it. But that's what I'm blogging for... to hold myself accountable.

Two major flaws jump out at me instantly:

PRIDE
SELFISHNESS

I am proud in myself... not in God. And that is a HUGE stumbling block. I'll be honest, I think I know it all. I think I have all the answers. And that is so u-g-l-y. Ick. It makes me feel ashamed.

God is dealing with me.

I am selfish. My world revolves around me and my pursuits. My husband, my children, our home, our life all reap the awful harvest of my selfishness.

God is dealing with me.

Now that I'm so painstakingly aware of all of this, it all feels like sludge built up inside my heart. Blocking my way, skewing my vision. And I'm ashamed. And I want to start again.

There is hope:

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night Your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and I stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord." And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." Psalm 32: 3-5

I want to give King David a big fat kiss for being imperfect and admitting it and recording it! I'm glad I'm not alone in my ugly imperfection. And thank God for His forgiveness. Without it I would not have hope.

JESUS!!
You are so good to me! I am so thankful for Your forgiveness! Thank you for uncovering what I did not want to see. I refused to be honest with you and with myself and I'm sorry. Please, God, forgive me of my pride and selfishness. Make me more aware of the ways in which they surface and blur my vision. Hold me accountable to these sins. Forgive me for neglecting my family because of these sins. That's not who I want to be. I know that it will take all my strength to put my pride and selfishness aside for Your glory, but I pray You will help me bare the burden and guide me through. You are my unchanging Rock and I thank You for Your forgiveness! You are so gracious!

Creation as our witness

The other day I found myself in a discussion regarding religion and the legitimacy of having faith. The topic revolved around the idea that religion may just be a human need to think there is something more out there because we don't want to be alone. This is a question I asked myself as well when I was going through all of my doubt and questioning.

But I think as humans we have a tendency to see only the small world around us. We zoom in so close to our personal life that it seems there's nothing very significant about it. It becomes the ins and outs of our days and nothing more.

However, what if we take a step back and observe from a new point of view? What if we imagine all the inner working and networking that goes on in the entire universe to keep it all together and functioning?

For example, picture an entire year on Earth alone. Take yourself out of the picture... take all humans out of the picture. Imagine all that goes on within one year on our planet. Picture it playing out like in a time-lapsed video.

The earth revolves hundreds of times and tilts this way and that to give it seasons.
The sun rises and falls, giving meaning to day.
The moon orbits the world, exposing darkness.
Flowers, trees, and plants fade away only to open up in new life again.
Animals reproduce, passing on their genetic code.
Birds migrate, some mammals hibernate.
Tides swell in and out.
The ground shakes, plates shift under the enormous pressure of Earth, mountains rise majestically.
Water evaporates only to produce rainclouds again, which provide life once more with its greatest asset.
Wind blows from unknown sources, taking weather here and there.
The tiniest microbe of life to the largest creature in the sea all buzz with existence and purpose.

It is a great orchestra playing out before us. Inhaling and exhaling, life abounds. And this is on our world alone. The heavens express silently the same purposes we witness on our Earth, but in far greater magnitude. This is all without human interaction.

Throw in our race of creatures that have the ability to ponder all these things. They observe, they question, they awe, they wonder, they even argue about what is going on. How do these creatures understand this amazing epic that plays out before them year after year, day after day?

Don't you find it interesting that of all the creations I named above, not one of them has the ability to question their purpose? The moon doesn't ask why it circles the Earth. Plants don't question their live-and-die-and-revive cycle. Even the smartest animals don't wonder why it gets dark at night or why they have to hunt for their food.

The only living thing on this Earth that questions its existence is the human race.

Does it have to be shouted to be understood?
WE ARE SPECIAL.
And not in a way that this world can explain.

There is no way to explain how the human mind, or soul, or inner being, has become more than that of other creatures on this Earth. Nothing in the world can provide the explanation for this miracle.

We simply must accept that we are different in ways beyond measure. And yet we doubt that any of this springs forth from a source of divine understanding and knowledge.

We are so involved in doubting that we cannot hear the whole Earth SCREAM to us "CREATOR!"

This place we live in is a beautiful masterpiece! An incomparable creation. Human thought cannot begin to grasp the whole of it. We are incapable of appreciating it to its fullest extent.

And yet, with all this world offers, we are insanely unaware that WE-- the human race-- are the most interesting aspect in the entire realm of creation. Isn't it obvious that our purpose reaches far beyond that of any other living thing? We are special in ways we cannot even begin to understand.

And the ONLY explanation for this that has presented itself to us is the idea that we were created in the image of a greater Mind. The Source of all life. The Imagination that spilled forth creation.

We were passed down an inheritance that is of far greater value than any Earthly possession and we cannot even quiet ourselves long enough to accept it. Instead, we constantly aim to make our personal lives the center of the universe, neglecting our greatest and truest purpose.

Life is not about religion. Religion is man made.

Belief is immeasurably beyond traditions or a set of rules.

It IS our purpose. To believe and WORSHIP.

We are given only two options to believe in:

1. The universe in its entirety is the GREATEST fluke of all time. It is the biggest accident in all of history, even before history began. It is the most profound impossibility to ever come to be.

OR

2. The universe in its entirety came into existence because a divine Being chose to make it so. And He didn't simply create it so that it passed all the requirements of existence. He created it in a way that far exceeds the need to be. More variety and numbers than were necessary.

There is no in between. We cannot sit in the middle of these two options, it just isn't possible.

If we choose the first option, it is a very hopeless existence indeed. No reason, no purpose, no will.

If we choose the second option, we must try to grasp the enormity of this claim and act accordingly. It is no longer about us and our pitiful selfishness. It is about returning to our Creator the glory, and honor, and praise, and worship that He so fully deserves.

All other pursuits fade away...

In this second choice is the greatest hope ever offered to man. And I wish, SO MUCH, that we as a people could accept that this life is not a meaningless walk of choices, but instead holds all the weight the universe has ever seen.

We are a chosen people, and the God who chooses also LOVES. And that is a topic that would be better suited to discuss in an entirely different entry.

"The Lord merely spoke and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born. He assigned the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs. Let the whole world fear the Lord and let everyone stand in awe of Him. For when He spoke, the world began! It appeared at His command." Psalm 33: 6-9

My Beloved.

A constant source of praise for me lately has been the song "My Beloved" by Kari Jobe. It is just sooo good to my soul. And although it's a source of praise for me,  it's actually sung from the perspective of Jesus and He is singing over the listener... over me.

I've been listening to it for weeks but today when I heard it I just fell apart. As I listened, I imagined everything as though I were alone with Jesus, clinging to every word he said to me but also holding onto everything that I think has value in this life. He tells me I'm beautiful, unstained, His child, His bride, to come and just be with Him. But when the part came that said, "cast all your cares down at My feet, come and find your rest in Me" I pictured myself finally laying everything down.

my books
my computer
my crafts
my ideas
my busyness

my children...
my children.

Any time I think of laying my children down at His feet I just clutch them closer to my chest because I'm afraid He'll take them away from me. But this time, as I stood there with Jesus, I laid my children down. It makes me tear up as I write this because as I laid all of this down at His feet, none of it mattered to Him except my children. He didn't even glance at all the material things I laid down, but my children, He picked up and carried for me. And then He took my hand and we walked, together, with my children, His children, in His arms.

Ohhh! My God is so good to me!! I just cannot get enough of this! Enough of Him. And as much as my soul aches for Him, I hate myself for getting so distracted that He becomes distant. Every day it is a struggle to keep Him in the forefront of my all. And for whatever reason, I allow the enemy to sneak in and convince me that what God has for me is something other than hope, and love, and peace, and ALL things SO GOOD.

I know (because I'm a Mama) that it will always be an every day decision to hand my children over to God, but I am so thankful that He gave me this "vision" today, of picking up my children and, not taking them away, but helping me bare the burden of mothering them and guiding me in the Way to lead them. Thank God for being THE Father, THE Guide, THE Teacher, THE ultimate source of Knowledge. I am so grateful that He keeps waiting for me.

My Beloved

You're My beloved, you're My bride.
To sing over you is My delight.
Come away with Me, My love.

Under My mercy come and wait.
'Til we are standing face to face.
I see no stain on you, My child.

You're beautiful to Me.
So beautiful to Me.

I sing over you My song of peace.
Cast all your cares down at My feet.
Come and find your rest in Me.

I'll breathe My life inside of you.
I'll bare you up on eagles' wings.
And hide you in the shadow of My strength.

I'll take you to My quiet waters.
I'll restore your soul.
Come rest in Me and be made whole.

You're My beloved, you're My child.
To sing over you is My delight.
Come away with Me, My love.

Be Still

I'm consistently learning that I have a hard time focusing.

There's always something I should or could be doing and it's never all done. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

But I'm learning to ask God to calm the storm within me. As the Creator of the universe, I'm certain He can handle the small cyclone that's constantly buzzing in my head. It's just a matter of me letting Him.

My Prayer of Quiet:

Father,
When I come before You, my mind races and fills any quiet space with some kind of clutter or noise. I struggle to focus in any way. My line of thought is completely out of my control. But You are the God who quiets storms and calms seas. You are the Master who created the universe with only the sound of Your voice. Conquer also within me the raging storm of thoughts that I cannot quiet myself. Take hold of my mind and spirit and bring me face to face with You. No distractions, just me and You and all the Good of You.
Amen.

Morning Wake Up Call

I have been doing my very best to have a quiet time every day and I really like to have them in the morning. It makes me feel as though I'm starting my day the best way possible and I also like the quiet in my house before anyone else is awake.

Problem is, I'm not really a morning person. My body just won't wake up when I want it to every time.

But if there's one thing I learned this morning, it's that God can overcome even my need for sleep.

Yesterday I prayed for God to wake me up early, no matter what it took. Shout my name if He had to, so that I could get up early and worship Him without any distractions. Let me be alone in His presence for a little while.

I was worried I wouldn't be able to wake up because we stayed up really late, but this morning before 7, my eyes just came open. I was thinking to myself, "Okay, Ashley, He's calling you, get your body out of bed," but against my will, my eyes started to shut again.

A few minutes later, I was awakened again, not by a small whisper this time, but by the morning Reveille blaring through our window. Funny thing is, it plays every morning and I almost never hear it. I always sleep right through it.

It was as if my Instructor was saying, "WAKE UP SOLDIER! SLEEPY TIME IS OVER! YOU'VE GOT WORK TO DO!"

Hahaha. It just made me chuckle. I rolled out of bed and got to work... fixed my coffee and kneeled before Him.

But that's not all. As I sat reading through my Bible study this morning, I was lead to Isaiah 6, where Isaiah describes his vision of God on His throne. He talks about the seraphim, shouting praises to the Lord, and lo' and behold, their praises fell right into the theme of my morning with God:

"They were calling out to each other, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Heaven's Armies! The whole earth is filled with His glory!" Isaiah 6:3

Ohhhh, goodness, God is all so good! I felt drawn in and special this morning. My Father was pulling me close to Him and opening my eyes to my place in His will.

So far this week, I've learned that just like my physical senses, my spiritual senses have to be used and put to work in order to function properly. I have to practice with them in order to learn how to use them.

I'm not nearly where I want to be in my ability to hear God's voice and understand when He is speaking to me, but my small issues that were answered this week give me so much hope and anticipation for the future. I can't wait to see where my training will lead! This soldier is ready for boot camp!

Seeking Clarification

For a while now it seems I've been sitting at a "Dead End" sign. Like my journey is not moving forward at all. I've felt as though I have no direction or compass to guide my way.

However... I've had a revelation:

I'm in my own way.

Have I ever really allowed God to guide me through something completely from start to finish?... I'm not sure I can say that I have. And if I can't think of any particular time right off the top of my head, that probably means it's never happened.

That is so incredibly frustrating for me. How can I have come this far claiming to be a Christian and never given into His will completely?

A few years ago (2009 to be exact) I really, really, REALLY started questioning my faith. I had no clue what I believed. It seemed to me that what I knew about Christianity was all simply passed down to me by others, which is important of course, but I didn't have a faith of my own... I didn't know what Christianity looked like for me.

So I became agnostic almost. I didn't necessarily not believe in God, but I wasn't sure if He was who the Bible claimed He was.

I began doing my own research and asking questions I had never asked before. I didn't want to turn away completely from the Christian faith because I was still drawn to it as the most logical explanation.

But I did start doing a lot of digging and doubting. For every response someone gave me I had another question. And scriptural references just weren't enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge. I needed more, more, more.

Eventually I was lead to Lee Strobel's "The Case for" books. The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator, etc. No, I wasn't just lead... I was drawn. Every time I saw them, I knew I had to have them. They were calling my name. So I gave in.

Reading them did one heck of an overhaul on how I view Christianity. Evidence upon evidence that this book we call the Bible is without a doubt, the Truth in every way. And that settled my nervous soul somewhat and gave me peace of mind about what I believed in as the legitimate Force.

All that searching (which is a continual thing, by the way... I'm still asking questions, they just come from a more refined confusion... if that even means anything) completely changed my faith. I became a new Christian. I had an appreciation beyond measure for exactly what it means to be a child of God.

It was no longer a Christian suit I put on to impress other Christian suits. It became a glorious, mysterious, marvelous, way of living. A salvation from my imprisoned, confused, unsatisfied soul. I finally got it... the light bulb came on. Overwhelming joy and peace followed. It was all so much more than I had understood.

And even these words do not do it justice. I still do not completely understand it and I'm certain I never will.

However, I still continue to search for my own calling as a Christian, what it looks like for me. Each person is different and I believe each person's faith is based on slightly different understanding. Some people are completely satisfied with scripture as their one form of knowing while others require endless amounts of information from other sources to satisfy that hunger for knowledge.

I'm definitely the latter.

I chose to pursue an education in Christian Studies for that exact reason. I need to know. And if this God and Jesus are the real deal, then no other pursuits matter. All else fades away. But knowledge of the Truth is everlasting. And I want, I desire, I'm zealously inquiring for that knowledge to be my entire life's work. A half-hearted attempt to go through the motions on Sundays and Wednesdays just will not suffice.

Now back to my latest revelation:

I'm in my own way.

In so many ways.

But how can I be here after such a magnificent discovery? How could I allow myself to fall into this place of contentment with no movement?

I wish there were some huge reason, but it's simply life being a distraction. Trivial things take the front seat while God waits in the back again.

But I'm determined to change that.

So I have a personal challenge that I'm praying desperately to accomplish. It includes meditation, prayer, worship, study,... and patience. LOTS of patience. No jumping the gun, no going from my gut, no following my heart (as it can be misleading).

No, no. This girl is waiting and answering only to the Spirit Himself. What exactly this looks like... well, I wish so much that I could tell you, but I have no clue. I don't think anyone could really explain it. If I figure it out I'll let you know, but hopefully my life will simply become a testament of such incomparable events.

Father God,
I implore You.
I beg of You to come.
Remove the cobwebs I have allowed to accumulate in my soul.
Don't allow me to get in Your way for even a second longer.
I've made it clear beyond doubt that I cannot do this on my own.
Wake me early in the morning to Your sweet voice,
Draw me deeper into Your heart than I can imagine.
Rid me of my stubborn selfishness.
Build up within me a fire ablaze with passion for You alone.
Forgive me of my unwillingness to move.
Only You can make something of value out of the messes I've made.
Thank You is not enough to express the gratitude and humble contentment I feel knowing that I belong to You.
I love You.