Discipline Towards Contenment

Contentment.
Seems like a simple enough word. And yet it is my greatest struggle. Like a life long struggle. And I have no idea how to make it a reality in my soul. To be completely content with what I've got now, this stage of my life and what it provides for me in this moment that I'm living.

Discontentment has infected my entire being. Just a week or two ago I was complaining to my mom and my husband about how I hate living in Colorado, I hate our house, I hate the way it smells, it doesn't feel like home, I don't have relationships that I've consistently pursued the entire 6 years we've been here, we don't have a church family, we miss our family in Texas, we just want to be home.

Even my body language expresses this discontentment within me. I get around people and I shut down completely. Not at all the person I used to be, but the person I've somehow become because I've allowed myself to be so dissatisfied with our situation because it's not what I thought it should be by now.

And I'm SO FRUSTRATED. Not with the people in my life. Just with myself.

And to be honest, a little with God... and of course this has no justification.

God's not the broken one... I am.

I understand His mercy. I am beside myself with the thought of all He's done for me. My gratefulness overflows with the knowledge of His love and compassion towards me. I ache for the day when I see Him face to face and live with Him eternally.

I get that He's beyond perfect.

But I can't help myself in blaming Him for what's wrong with me.

Seriously, what's wrong with me?

I am so ungrateful. So unworthy to have all that I do. So irresponsible. Such a baby.

But as I feel like every prayer I say bounces right off the ceiling and comes back to hit me in the nose, it gets the best of me. I get discouraged in an instant and I'm easily right back where I started. Back to the complaining, unsatisfied person I've somehow become.

How is this so? How have I become this person I can't even stand to be around? I feel so sorry for Joel and my boys who have to put up with my negativity on a daily basis. They deserve better. They deserve the best of me, not this half crippled part that I've been giving them.

So how do I even pray for myself in this situation? When I'm so negative, so frustrated, so discontent. It's hard to even know what to say to my God who just keeps on giving despite my nasty attitude.

It's like asking your mom for more money when you just blew the last loan she gave you. It makes you sick.

I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Stupid.

And what makes me feel worse is that I know He'll graciously listen and provide for me again, despite how irresponsible I've been with what He's entrusted to me before. I sigh just thinking about it.

How can He keep trusting me?

How can He keep providing for me?

How can He keep blessing me?

How can He keep on when I squander every good thing He gives. Every glass I have is viewed from my perspective as half empty.

Something's got to give. I've got to make the choice to change.

Something I realized a few days ago is that the only person in this world who's decisions I can completely control are my own.

I'm the only one who can make this change.

Change my attitude.

Change my outlook.

Change my spirit.

Change ME.

So there lies the greatest challenge of all. Admitting that I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my contentment. And only I can choose to be such.

Father,
I'm sorry for being so unsatisfied with what You've given me. Forgive me for my nasty discontentedness. Forgive me for my bad attitude. I have more than a plentiful amount of blessings to be so thankful for, and yet I find reasons to complain. Please God, help me to learn the art of being content. Spirit, guide my thoughts and attitude when I decide it's time to complain. Jesus, teach me what it looks like to be completely satisfied with what I have and with this stage of my life. I'm tired of running around trying to find something to fill me up when I have more than enough right in front of me. I've exhausted myself trying to replace You and I'm sick of it. I want to be full in what I have, in what You've given me. Help me to see it all. And help me to be so thankful and hopeful because of it. Change my spirit. Help me change my attitude.