Seeking Clarification

For a while now it seems I've been sitting at a "Dead End" sign. Like my journey is not moving forward at all. I've felt as though I have no direction or compass to guide my way.

However... I've had a revelation:

I'm in my own way.

Have I ever really allowed God to guide me through something completely from start to finish?... I'm not sure I can say that I have. And if I can't think of any particular time right off the top of my head, that probably means it's never happened.

That is so incredibly frustrating for me. How can I have come this far claiming to be a Christian and never given into His will completely?

A few years ago (2009 to be exact) I really, really, REALLY started questioning my faith. I had no clue what I believed. It seemed to me that what I knew about Christianity was all simply passed down to me by others, which is important of course, but I didn't have a faith of my own... I didn't know what Christianity looked like for me.

So I became agnostic almost. I didn't necessarily not believe in God, but I wasn't sure if He was who the Bible claimed He was.

I began doing my own research and asking questions I had never asked before. I didn't want to turn away completely from the Christian faith because I was still drawn to it as the most logical explanation.

But I did start doing a lot of digging and doubting. For every response someone gave me I had another question. And scriptural references just weren't enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge. I needed more, more, more.

Eventually I was lead to Lee Strobel's "The Case for" books. The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator, etc. No, I wasn't just lead... I was drawn. Every time I saw them, I knew I had to have them. They were calling my name. So I gave in.

Reading them did one heck of an overhaul on how I view Christianity. Evidence upon evidence that this book we call the Bible is without a doubt, the Truth in every way. And that settled my nervous soul somewhat and gave me peace of mind about what I believed in as the legitimate Force.

All that searching (which is a continual thing, by the way... I'm still asking questions, they just come from a more refined confusion... if that even means anything) completely changed my faith. I became a new Christian. I had an appreciation beyond measure for exactly what it means to be a child of God.

It was no longer a Christian suit I put on to impress other Christian suits. It became a glorious, mysterious, marvelous, way of living. A salvation from my imprisoned, confused, unsatisfied soul. I finally got it... the light bulb came on. Overwhelming joy and peace followed. It was all so much more than I had understood.

And even these words do not do it justice. I still do not completely understand it and I'm certain I never will.

However, I still continue to search for my own calling as a Christian, what it looks like for me. Each person is different and I believe each person's faith is based on slightly different understanding. Some people are completely satisfied with scripture as their one form of knowing while others require endless amounts of information from other sources to satisfy that hunger for knowledge.

I'm definitely the latter.

I chose to pursue an education in Christian Studies for that exact reason. I need to know. And if this God and Jesus are the real deal, then no other pursuits matter. All else fades away. But knowledge of the Truth is everlasting. And I want, I desire, I'm zealously inquiring for that knowledge to be my entire life's work. A half-hearted attempt to go through the motions on Sundays and Wednesdays just will not suffice.

Now back to my latest revelation:

I'm in my own way.

In so many ways.

But how can I be here after such a magnificent discovery? How could I allow myself to fall into this place of contentment with no movement?

I wish there were some huge reason, but it's simply life being a distraction. Trivial things take the front seat while God waits in the back again.

But I'm determined to change that.

So I have a personal challenge that I'm praying desperately to accomplish. It includes meditation, prayer, worship, study,... and patience. LOTS of patience. No jumping the gun, no going from my gut, no following my heart (as it can be misleading).

No, no. This girl is waiting and answering only to the Spirit Himself. What exactly this looks like... well, I wish so much that I could tell you, but I have no clue. I don't think anyone could really explain it. If I figure it out I'll let you know, but hopefully my life will simply become a testament of such incomparable events.

Father God,
I implore You.
I beg of You to come.
Remove the cobwebs I have allowed to accumulate in my soul.
Don't allow me to get in Your way for even a second longer.
I've made it clear beyond doubt that I cannot do this on my own.
Wake me early in the morning to Your sweet voice,
Draw me deeper into Your heart than I can imagine.
Rid me of my stubborn selfishness.
Build up within me a fire ablaze with passion for You alone.
Forgive me of my unwillingness to move.
Only You can make something of value out of the messes I've made.
Thank You is not enough to express the gratitude and humble contentment I feel knowing that I belong to You.
I love You.