Ache

I don't really know how to start this post.

I just watched this video of Francis Chan sharing a sermon on how we lie to ourselves and it really spoke to me. I've admitted before that I am an incredibly proud and selfish person and that's something I continue to work on... with God's help.

But this made me wonder if maybe I'm coming before Him with the wrong attitude. When I pray to Him, I'm always asking for Him to deliver me from my own sins rather than asking Him to grant me the ability to flee from my sin myself. The Bible tells us that God grants us a spirit of power.

But am I utilizing that power?

I don't think so. I expect Him to solve my problems for me.

The past few days I've been pretty distracted with a really big decision we're about to make. And it's taken me completely away from my fellowship with God. I've been pushing Him so far to the side that I haven't really consulted with Him, I've just been weighing the options myself. Granted, I think He gave me the desire to make this decision, but I have taken it upon myself to decide, rather than seeking Him for council.

My.Soul.Aches.

for God.

for truth.

for wisdom.

for movement.

for guidance.

for the Word.

But I feel dry. Thirsty. Lacking.

What do I need to do to move into God's will? What am I missing? Where am I not getting it? What am I holding on to or holding back that keeps me from knowing Him more deeply?

I am at the point where I've put it off so long that I don't even know how to hear Him speak. How to be still. And I am impatient with myself for that. I am wrestless.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

Philippians 3:8-11

That is where I want to be. God, that is where I want to be. Give me the power to go there.