Dealt With

God is dealing with me.

You know, I'm at this place where I want to serve, I want to do BIG things, make a difference. But my circumstances don't really allow for me to run off on my own and become a missionary in another country. So I find it's hard for me to feel... important. Isn't that the most rediculous thing you've ever heard?

Here I am with a family... ah, yes, that family... how could I forget that where I am placed is exactly where God wants me to be? How selfish I must be. A tree can't grow at all if its roots aren't planted deep in rich soil.

Duh.

So after looking out into the world in such wonder, God draws me straight back into my own living room, where there is a massive amount of work to be done. Probably the most important work in the world.

And I have neglected my job.

God is dealing with me.

Praying for God to show me my significance today, it all just crashed into my head at once. "Look at how you have been neglecting your family, yourself."

Yes, it stings. It stings even more that I'm sitting here typing about it with the possibility that others will read it. But that's what I'm blogging for... to hold myself accountable.

Two major flaws jump out at me instantly:

PRIDE
SELFISHNESS

I am proud in myself... not in God. And that is a HUGE stumbling block. I'll be honest, I think I know it all. I think I have all the answers. And that is so u-g-l-y. Ick. It makes me feel ashamed.

God is dealing with me.

I am selfish. My world revolves around me and my pursuits. My husband, my children, our home, our life all reap the awful harvest of my selfishness.

God is dealing with me.

Now that I'm so painstakingly aware of all of this, it all feels like sludge built up inside my heart. Blocking my way, skewing my vision. And I'm ashamed. And I want to start again.

There is hope:

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night Your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and I stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord." And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." Psalm 32: 3-5

I want to give King David a big fat kiss for being imperfect and admitting it and recording it! I'm glad I'm not alone in my ugly imperfection. And thank God for His forgiveness. Without it I would not have hope.

JESUS!!
You are so good to me! I am so thankful for Your forgiveness! Thank you for uncovering what I did not want to see. I refused to be honest with you and with myself and I'm sorry. Please, God, forgive me of my pride and selfishness. Make me more aware of the ways in which they surface and blur my vision. Hold me accountable to these sins. Forgive me for neglecting my family because of these sins. That's not who I want to be. I know that it will take all my strength to put my pride and selfishness aside for Your glory, but I pray You will help me bare the burden and guide me through. You are my unchanging Rock and I thank You for Your forgiveness! You are so gracious!