Discipline Towards Contenment

Contentment.
Seems like a simple enough word. And yet it is my greatest struggle. Like a life long struggle. And I have no idea how to make it a reality in my soul. To be completely content with what I've got now, this stage of my life and what it provides for me in this moment that I'm living.

Discontentment has infected my entire being. Just a week or two ago I was complaining to my mom and my husband about how I hate living in Colorado, I hate our house, I hate the way it smells, it doesn't feel like home, I don't have relationships that I've consistently pursued the entire 6 years we've been here, we don't have a church family, we miss our family in Texas, we just want to be home.

Even my body language expresses this discontentment within me. I get around people and I shut down completely. Not at all the person I used to be, but the person I've somehow become because I've allowed myself to be so dissatisfied with our situation because it's not what I thought it should be by now.

And I'm SO FRUSTRATED. Not with the people in my life. Just with myself.

And to be honest, a little with God... and of course this has no justification.

God's not the broken one... I am.

I understand His mercy. I am beside myself with the thought of all He's done for me. My gratefulness overflows with the knowledge of His love and compassion towards me. I ache for the day when I see Him face to face and live with Him eternally.

I get that He's beyond perfect.

But I can't help myself in blaming Him for what's wrong with me.

Seriously, what's wrong with me?

I am so ungrateful. So unworthy to have all that I do. So irresponsible. Such a baby.

But as I feel like every prayer I say bounces right off the ceiling and comes back to hit me in the nose, it gets the best of me. I get discouraged in an instant and I'm easily right back where I started. Back to the complaining, unsatisfied person I've somehow become.

How is this so? How have I become this person I can't even stand to be around? I feel so sorry for Joel and my boys who have to put up with my negativity on a daily basis. They deserve better. They deserve the best of me, not this half crippled part that I've been giving them.

So how do I even pray for myself in this situation? When I'm so negative, so frustrated, so discontent. It's hard to even know what to say to my God who just keeps on giving despite my nasty attitude.

It's like asking your mom for more money when you just blew the last loan she gave you. It makes you sick.

I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Stupid.

And what makes me feel worse is that I know He'll graciously listen and provide for me again, despite how irresponsible I've been with what He's entrusted to me before. I sigh just thinking about it.

How can He keep trusting me?

How can He keep providing for me?

How can He keep blessing me?

How can He keep on when I squander every good thing He gives. Every glass I have is viewed from my perspective as half empty.

Something's got to give. I've got to make the choice to change.

Something I realized a few days ago is that the only person in this world who's decisions I can completely control are my own.

I'm the only one who can make this change.

Change my attitude.

Change my outlook.

Change my spirit.

Change ME.

So there lies the greatest challenge of all. Admitting that I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my contentment. And only I can choose to be such.

Father,
I'm sorry for being so unsatisfied with what You've given me. Forgive me for my nasty discontentedness. Forgive me for my bad attitude. I have more than a plentiful amount of blessings to be so thankful for, and yet I find reasons to complain. Please God, help me to learn the art of being content. Spirit, guide my thoughts and attitude when I decide it's time to complain. Jesus, teach me what it looks like to be completely satisfied with what I have and with this stage of my life. I'm tired of running around trying to find something to fill me up when I have more than enough right in front of me. I've exhausted myself trying to replace You and I'm sick of it. I want to be full in what I have, in what You've given me. Help me to see it all. And help me to be so thankful and hopeful because of it. Change my spirit. Help me change my attitude.

The Mystery of Grace

Grace is such a mysterious thing to me. I can vaguely grasp what it means for me to be gracious, but the grace of God is even harder to understand.

As a noun, grace is defined as "favor or good will". As a verb it is defined as "to favor or honor".

Now why on earth God would show me favor, honor, or good will is so far beyond me. I am so undeserving of this in so many ways. I can't even show constant grace to my own children, why in the world would I deserve grace from the Author of good Himself?

I cannot understand. I cannot fathom.

And yet He fills me up with it.

And it is beyond beauty. It is beyond precious. It is beyond valuable.

It is indescribable the goodness of this grace He provides!

I think of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples just before He went to the cross. Here He is... the man who would save us all, capable of power unimaginable, filled with the ability to wipe the slate clean if He had wished and what does He do?

He washes the feet of those who need His saving.

He serves as if a lowly servant those He could easily rid of sin with one word. And as if that weren't enough, He then gives His life for us all... the greatest form of service ever commited.

Jesus is so good! I am humbled.

And ashamed.

This man who possessed all the power of the universe died for my lack of grace and so much more. To think that I have a hard time being patient with my husband or children while knowing what was given for me so that I could be forgiven for just that... it makes me sick about myself.

But He still forgives. And calls me to forgive myself. And keep moving forward.

I am amazed.

Jesus... You bring tears to my eyes. Why can I not fully accept what You have done for me? Why can I not be perfect in every way after knowing what You gave for me? I long so much to please You. I long so much to give to You all that You deserve. But I fall short... again. Please forgive me for so many things... inpatience, anger, selfishness, pride, laziness, negativity. Give me the strength and the power to overcome these weaknesses. Remind me of your indescribable grace and mercy. Remind me of what You gave so that I could be free. I am so in love with You. And my greatest desire is to please You. Teach me how, Lord.

My Helper

When you come to a point where a big decision requires financial resources, you learn really quickly whether or not you are a good steward of the money God provides for you on a consistent basis. In our case, we've been struggling with stewardship since day one. We're impulse buyers, and when you live on one income, that is not a pretty mixture. Dave Ramsey calls that having more month than money.

This is my struggle.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to stay at home with my boys. It's such a blessing and I cannot thank God enough for providing me this gift and I cannot thank Joel enough for his hard work and being the sole provider of our family income.

However,...

I keep up with our money management. Since Joel does all the work outside the home, I feel it's my responsibility to be frugal and keep us on track. So I feel that whether or not we're in the hole falls on my shoulders.

And I haven't done the best job at this, I'll admit. There are times when I can do really good and get a lot done financially and then there are times when the need to "keep up with the Joneses" kicks in and spending is a temptation we don't fight.

Blah.

But, we can only learn, right? And learning, I am! But now we're at this point where the decision we make solely depends on God's provision. I'm trusting that with God's provision, He will provide us an answer to where we go from here. It is completely out of my hands. I don't have any secret stashes this time (sometimes I have a secret stash for a rainy day.) So we'll see what He does.

God give me patience for Your provision.

As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in His thoughts. You are my Helper and my Savior. O my God, do not delay. Psalm 40:17

After I prayed a prayer for God to guide us through His provision, I sat and opened up the book of Psalms and started reading. (I'm slowly reading through the whole book. If you haven't noticed almost all of my scripture references for the past few entries have been from Psalm... I'm taking it slow :) And of course, the verse above was right in my face.

I have to kind of laugh about this because He's showing me just how needy I am. My pride (again) always convinces me that I can figure out problems on my own. But this time, He's telling me that if we do it His way, I have to wait on Him. There's just no other option.

God give me the strength to resist my own strengths... because they do not compare to Yours.

Ache

I don't really know how to start this post.

I just watched this video of Francis Chan sharing a sermon on how we lie to ourselves and it really spoke to me. I've admitted before that I am an incredibly proud and selfish person and that's something I continue to work on... with God's help.

But this made me wonder if maybe I'm coming before Him with the wrong attitude. When I pray to Him, I'm always asking for Him to deliver me from my own sins rather than asking Him to grant me the ability to flee from my sin myself. The Bible tells us that God grants us a spirit of power.

But am I utilizing that power?

I don't think so. I expect Him to solve my problems for me.

The past few days I've been pretty distracted with a really big decision we're about to make. And it's taken me completely away from my fellowship with God. I've been pushing Him so far to the side that I haven't really consulted with Him, I've just been weighing the options myself. Granted, I think He gave me the desire to make this decision, but I have taken it upon myself to decide, rather than seeking Him for council.

My.Soul.Aches.

for God.

for truth.

for wisdom.

for movement.

for guidance.

for the Word.

But I feel dry. Thirsty. Lacking.

What do I need to do to move into God's will? What am I missing? Where am I not getting it? What am I holding on to or holding back that keeps me from knowing Him more deeply?

I am at the point where I've put it off so long that I don't even know how to hear Him speak. How to be still. And I am impatient with myself for that. I am wrestless.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

Philippians 3:8-11

That is where I want to be. God, that is where I want to be. Give me the power to go there.

Dealt With

God is dealing with me.

You know, I'm at this place where I want to serve, I want to do BIG things, make a difference. But my circumstances don't really allow for me to run off on my own and become a missionary in another country. So I find it's hard for me to feel... important. Isn't that the most rediculous thing you've ever heard?

Here I am with a family... ah, yes, that family... how could I forget that where I am placed is exactly where God wants me to be? How selfish I must be. A tree can't grow at all if its roots aren't planted deep in rich soil.

Duh.

So after looking out into the world in such wonder, God draws me straight back into my own living room, where there is a massive amount of work to be done. Probably the most important work in the world.

And I have neglected my job.

God is dealing with me.

Praying for God to show me my significance today, it all just crashed into my head at once. "Look at how you have been neglecting your family, yourself."

Yes, it stings. It stings even more that I'm sitting here typing about it with the possibility that others will read it. But that's what I'm blogging for... to hold myself accountable.

Two major flaws jump out at me instantly:

PRIDE
SELFISHNESS

I am proud in myself... not in God. And that is a HUGE stumbling block. I'll be honest, I think I know it all. I think I have all the answers. And that is so u-g-l-y. Ick. It makes me feel ashamed.

God is dealing with me.

I am selfish. My world revolves around me and my pursuits. My husband, my children, our home, our life all reap the awful harvest of my selfishness.

God is dealing with me.

Now that I'm so painstakingly aware of all of this, it all feels like sludge built up inside my heart. Blocking my way, skewing my vision. And I'm ashamed. And I want to start again.

There is hope:

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night Your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and I stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord." And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone." Psalm 32: 3-5

I want to give King David a big fat kiss for being imperfect and admitting it and recording it! I'm glad I'm not alone in my ugly imperfection. And thank God for His forgiveness. Without it I would not have hope.

JESUS!!
You are so good to me! I am so thankful for Your forgiveness! Thank you for uncovering what I did not want to see. I refused to be honest with you and with myself and I'm sorry. Please, God, forgive me of my pride and selfishness. Make me more aware of the ways in which they surface and blur my vision. Hold me accountable to these sins. Forgive me for neglecting my family because of these sins. That's not who I want to be. I know that it will take all my strength to put my pride and selfishness aside for Your glory, but I pray You will help me bare the burden and guide me through. You are my unchanging Rock and I thank You for Your forgiveness! You are so gracious!

Creation as our witness

The other day I found myself in a discussion regarding religion and the legitimacy of having faith. The topic revolved around the idea that religion may just be a human need to think there is something more out there because we don't want to be alone. This is a question I asked myself as well when I was going through all of my doubt and questioning.

But I think as humans we have a tendency to see only the small world around us. We zoom in so close to our personal life that it seems there's nothing very significant about it. It becomes the ins and outs of our days and nothing more.

However, what if we take a step back and observe from a new point of view? What if we imagine all the inner working and networking that goes on in the entire universe to keep it all together and functioning?

For example, picture an entire year on Earth alone. Take yourself out of the picture... take all humans out of the picture. Imagine all that goes on within one year on our planet. Picture it playing out like in a time-lapsed video.

The earth revolves hundreds of times and tilts this way and that to give it seasons.
The sun rises and falls, giving meaning to day.
The moon orbits the world, exposing darkness.
Flowers, trees, and plants fade away only to open up in new life again.
Animals reproduce, passing on their genetic code.
Birds migrate, some mammals hibernate.
Tides swell in and out.
The ground shakes, plates shift under the enormous pressure of Earth, mountains rise majestically.
Water evaporates only to produce rainclouds again, which provide life once more with its greatest asset.
Wind blows from unknown sources, taking weather here and there.
The tiniest microbe of life to the largest creature in the sea all buzz with existence and purpose.

It is a great orchestra playing out before us. Inhaling and exhaling, life abounds. And this is on our world alone. The heavens express silently the same purposes we witness on our Earth, but in far greater magnitude. This is all without human interaction.

Throw in our race of creatures that have the ability to ponder all these things. They observe, they question, they awe, they wonder, they even argue about what is going on. How do these creatures understand this amazing epic that plays out before them year after year, day after day?

Don't you find it interesting that of all the creations I named above, not one of them has the ability to question their purpose? The moon doesn't ask why it circles the Earth. Plants don't question their live-and-die-and-revive cycle. Even the smartest animals don't wonder why it gets dark at night or why they have to hunt for their food.

The only living thing on this Earth that questions its existence is the human race.

Does it have to be shouted to be understood?
WE ARE SPECIAL.
And not in a way that this world can explain.

There is no way to explain how the human mind, or soul, or inner being, has become more than that of other creatures on this Earth. Nothing in the world can provide the explanation for this miracle.

We simply must accept that we are different in ways beyond measure. And yet we doubt that any of this springs forth from a source of divine understanding and knowledge.

We are so involved in doubting that we cannot hear the whole Earth SCREAM to us "CREATOR!"

This place we live in is a beautiful masterpiece! An incomparable creation. Human thought cannot begin to grasp the whole of it. We are incapable of appreciating it to its fullest extent.

And yet, with all this world offers, we are insanely unaware that WE-- the human race-- are the most interesting aspect in the entire realm of creation. Isn't it obvious that our purpose reaches far beyond that of any other living thing? We are special in ways we cannot even begin to understand.

And the ONLY explanation for this that has presented itself to us is the idea that we were created in the image of a greater Mind. The Source of all life. The Imagination that spilled forth creation.

We were passed down an inheritance that is of far greater value than any Earthly possession and we cannot even quiet ourselves long enough to accept it. Instead, we constantly aim to make our personal lives the center of the universe, neglecting our greatest and truest purpose.

Life is not about religion. Religion is man made.

Belief is immeasurably beyond traditions or a set of rules.

It IS our purpose. To believe and WORSHIP.

We are given only two options to believe in:

1. The universe in its entirety is the GREATEST fluke of all time. It is the biggest accident in all of history, even before history began. It is the most profound impossibility to ever come to be.

OR

2. The universe in its entirety came into existence because a divine Being chose to make it so. And He didn't simply create it so that it passed all the requirements of existence. He created it in a way that far exceeds the need to be. More variety and numbers than were necessary.

There is no in between. We cannot sit in the middle of these two options, it just isn't possible.

If we choose the first option, it is a very hopeless existence indeed. No reason, no purpose, no will.

If we choose the second option, we must try to grasp the enormity of this claim and act accordingly. It is no longer about us and our pitiful selfishness. It is about returning to our Creator the glory, and honor, and praise, and worship that He so fully deserves.

All other pursuits fade away...

In this second choice is the greatest hope ever offered to man. And I wish, SO MUCH, that we as a people could accept that this life is not a meaningless walk of choices, but instead holds all the weight the universe has ever seen.

We are a chosen people, and the God who chooses also LOVES. And that is a topic that would be better suited to discuss in an entirely different entry.

"The Lord merely spoke and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born. He assigned the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs. Let the whole world fear the Lord and let everyone stand in awe of Him. For when He spoke, the world began! It appeared at His command." Psalm 33: 6-9

My Beloved.

A constant source of praise for me lately has been the song "My Beloved" by Kari Jobe. It is just sooo good to my soul. And although it's a source of praise for me,  it's actually sung from the perspective of Jesus and He is singing over the listener... over me.

I've been listening to it for weeks but today when I heard it I just fell apart. As I listened, I imagined everything as though I were alone with Jesus, clinging to every word he said to me but also holding onto everything that I think has value in this life. He tells me I'm beautiful, unstained, His child, His bride, to come and just be with Him. But when the part came that said, "cast all your cares down at My feet, come and find your rest in Me" I pictured myself finally laying everything down.

my books
my computer
my crafts
my ideas
my busyness

my children...
my children.

Any time I think of laying my children down at His feet I just clutch them closer to my chest because I'm afraid He'll take them away from me. But this time, as I stood there with Jesus, I laid my children down. It makes me tear up as I write this because as I laid all of this down at His feet, none of it mattered to Him except my children. He didn't even glance at all the material things I laid down, but my children, He picked up and carried for me. And then He took my hand and we walked, together, with my children, His children, in His arms.

Ohhh! My God is so good to me!! I just cannot get enough of this! Enough of Him. And as much as my soul aches for Him, I hate myself for getting so distracted that He becomes distant. Every day it is a struggle to keep Him in the forefront of my all. And for whatever reason, I allow the enemy to sneak in and convince me that what God has for me is something other than hope, and love, and peace, and ALL things SO GOOD.

I know (because I'm a Mama) that it will always be an every day decision to hand my children over to God, but I am so thankful that He gave me this "vision" today, of picking up my children and, not taking them away, but helping me bare the burden of mothering them and guiding me in the Way to lead them. Thank God for being THE Father, THE Guide, THE Teacher, THE ultimate source of Knowledge. I am so grateful that He keeps waiting for me.

My Beloved

You're My beloved, you're My bride.
To sing over you is My delight.
Come away with Me, My love.

Under My mercy come and wait.
'Til we are standing face to face.
I see no stain on you, My child.

You're beautiful to Me.
So beautiful to Me.

I sing over you My song of peace.
Cast all your cares down at My feet.
Come and find your rest in Me.

I'll breathe My life inside of you.
I'll bare you up on eagles' wings.
And hide you in the shadow of My strength.

I'll take you to My quiet waters.
I'll restore your soul.
Come rest in Me and be made whole.

You're My beloved, you're My child.
To sing over you is My delight.
Come away with Me, My love.